To say that the last month has been hard would be a major understatement. As you all know from my last post my father in law passed away unexpectedly last month. That’s crazy to me to even write, “last month”, time goes by so incredibly fast. As a wife, watching your husband mourn has got to be the hardest thing you can ever experience. In the time since his death our community also lost a young boy unexpectedly. Though we did not personally know this young man, the loss is of course is huge. Then a week ago our family and friends suffered another tragic loss of a dear friend due to domestic violence, unexpected to us for sure. So hard, no; this last month has been devastating.
As a woman of faith I have struggled and I am just being real with you here. I’m ashamed to even say that, knowing my dear friend would be screaming words of encouragement to me from heaven if she could. But it’s honest, and that’s what I swore this blog would always be. Raw, uninhibited, truthful, honest, real. Ya’ll I’m having a hard time. I’ve not always been strong in my faith, but it’s always been there, even when I’ve not. And I’m not so far gone, that I know it won’t still be there, even as I try to run and hide from it.
No matter whether we were regularly attending church or not, I’ve always believed. I’ve prayed. For myself, my husband, my kids, my friends, strangers. I have no doubt that my prayers have accomplished things, just as I know that the prayers of others have carried me through when I couldn’t pray. Even now in the place I’m at, I’m blessed to know that I have dear friends calling out my name.
Religion is hard. Church is hard. Christianity is hard.
But, never once did God say it would be easy.
I don’t understand how a seemingly healthy man drops dead at 66 with no warning, when I know that would crush my husband.
I don’t understand how a vibrant young boy of 8 years old is here one week and gone the next, when he was such a shining light to his family and friends.
I don’t understand how an amazing woman, who loved with her entire being and never once frowned is taken from this earth where she dedicated her life to serving her God.
But I also know the scripture John 13:7 NLT ‘Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
I know that scripture because it was the favorite scripture of a beautiful teen that was a stranger to me, but whose story I know because she lost her life tragically several years ago. I’m sure her family still asks why.
Last week when talking to another friend about the shocking loss of our sister and friend, we discussed this sadness and weariness while trying to maintain our faith. She gave me a scripture that I keep repeating to myself over and over. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 NLT
Honestly that’s all I can do now is try not to depend on my own understanding, because I don’t have any. I do not understand. In the midst of all of this loss, there have been the normal stresses of life and of work. Stresses that are always magnified when you are already feeling low, or as I keep describing, in a “funk”.
I know there are better days ahead, I know the sun will shine, I know these tests are leading to testimonies. I know this because I’ve seen it time and time again. In the mean time, I will keep praying, for myself, for my husband, for my kids, for my friends. I ask that you pray too. If you don’t know the Lord then I pray that you seek Him. If I can offer any words of guidance or encouragement please let me know. If there is one thing I’m sure of, my friend would not want me feeling this way over her death, or the death of the little boy, or the death of my father in law. She would not want my husband to be lost in his mourning. She would not want my children to stray from their knowledge of God which she saw grow first hand.
I also need to say I’m thankful for late night conversations with a best friend who has never failed to support me and reminded me of all of these things tonight. We’ve had our differences, we’ve not always agreed, we don’t always share the same opinions, we’ve had periods where we haven’t talked. But I’m proud to have her in my life, to know she will never shy away from telling me what she thinks, whether it’s what I want to hear or not; to know that she prays for me when I’m away from God; to know she loves my children as though they were hers. I don’t know where I’d be sometimes without her in my life. “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is sweet as perfume and incense.” Proverbs 27:9 NLT
~Carla~
Arise and Glow 